~ Marriage ~

Webster's definition of marriage is the legal union of a man and woman as husband and wife.

In Malachi 2:14 we see that marriage is a holy covenant before God. In the Jewish custom, God's people signed a written agreement at the time of the marriage to seal the covenant. The marriage ceremony, therefore, is meant to be a public demonstration of a couple's commitment to a covenant relationship. It's not the "ceremony" that's important in a marriage, it's the couple's covenant commitment to each other before God and men.

For Christians, marriage goes beyond the earthly covenant also, as a divine picture of the relationship between Christ and his Bride, the Church. It is a spiritual representation of our relationship with God.

Gen. 2:18, 21-24 The Lord God said, 'It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him'...and while Adam was sleeping, he took one of Adam's ribs and closed up the place with flesh. Then the Lord God made a woman, Eve, from the rib he had taken out of Adam, and he brought her to Adam. Adam said, 'This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called 'woman,' for she was taken out of man.' For this reason a man will leave his father

Deuteronomy 28:2 "You will experience all these blessings if you obey the Lord your God." (NLT)

As Christians, it is important to focus on the true purpose of marriage when considering the wedding ceremony. Although the details are between the couple and God, the scriptural example encourages believers to enter into marriage in a way that honors God's covenant relationship, submits to the laws of God first and then the laws of the land, and gives public demonstration of the holy commitment that is being made. This can be carried out in a simple, private ceremony with only a few witnesses, or a large traditional wedding. The details are not what's important, but rather, the couple's covenant commitment to each other before God and men.

Considering unity; husband and wife are one. From the beginning, God said: for this cause a man shall leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. (Genesis 2:24)

What does this mean?

First, husband and wife are one because they are both parts of the body of Christ. This is why Christians are to marry Christians. How can I be one with Christ, and also one with someone who is not in Christ? In the ideal Christian marriage, Christ is the head, the husband, of each partner in the marriage individually; both man and woman, as part of the church, are the bride of Christ. So Jesus Christ is at the middle of the relationship. The unity of husband and wife in its essence begins with the unity of the two in Christ. The eye cannot say to the hand, "I have no need of you," nor again the head to the feet, "I have no need of you." (1 Corinthians 12:21) Each part of the body needs to do its part to build up every other part of the body. So the husband needs his wife, and the wife needs her husband; they build up each other when both are one in Christ. But the unity between husband and wife is more profound than the unity that exists among all Christians. When Genesis says, "The two shall become one flesh," it is speaking about more than our oneness in the body of Christ. Surely sexual union is part of this; physically we become one flesh when we share sexual intimacy. But recall that the unity between Christ and the church is not something that happens regularly or occasionally; the two are essentially one, at all times. Paul emphasizes this truth for marriage in verses 28 and 33: husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself, for no one ever hated his own flesh but nourishes and cherishes it . . . 33, let each of you love his own wife even as himself.

What does Paul mean by love? To clarify, examine what Paul does not mean:

(1) Paul is not saying, "Love your wife if she submits to you." That would be a conditional love.

(2) Second, he is not saying that husbands are to act like Casper Milquetoast, always following her lead, responding to her statements with, "Whatever you say, dear." That would be to give up the husband's headship, which, as we will see later, is a key element in Christian marriage.

(3) Third, Paul is not here talking about erotic love. The word "erotic" comes from the Greek eros, a love that responds to the beauty of the other. When Paul tells husbands to love their wives, he does not use this term; indeed, the Greek word eros is never used in the New Testament.

Now, the Bible clearly teaches that sexuality is one of God's gifts, and that the joy of sexual relations between husband and wife is an expression of their essential one-flesh unity. The Song of Solomon, for example, is a celebration of erotic love in its proper context. In beautiful images, the author expresses the longing for sexual fulfillment prior to marriage and the consummation of that longing after marriage. Recall also the command that God gives the Israelites in Deuteronomy 24:5: When a man takes a new wife, he shall not go out with the army nor be charged with any duty; he shall be free at home one year and shall give happiness to his wife. "He shall give happiness to his wife." I believe God here is talking about more than just taking out the garbage and playing games.

Proverbs 5 also highlights our Creator's positive view of sexuality: Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth, a lovely deer, a graceful doe. May her breasts satisfy you at all times; may you be intoxicated always by her love (Proverbs 5:18-19) Husbands are commanded to delight physically in their wives, to be drunk, or carried away with her love. The sexual relationship between husband and wife is one of abandonment to the other. This idea carries over to the New Testament. In 1 Corinthians, Paul says: The wife's body does not belong to her alone, but also to her husband; the husband's body does not belong to him alone, but also to his wife (1 Corinthians 7:4) Our bodies belong to each other, and are to be used within the marriage relationship to bind us together, and to give great pleasure to the other. So erotic love is not only sanctioned by the Bible, but also commanded within the confines of marriage. Yet the love Paul commands in Ephesians 5 is more than erotic love.

(4) Furthermore, love in marriage is more than friendship love. The Greek word for this type of love is "philia," which is sometimes translated "brotherly love." (Thus "Philadelphia" is the city of brotherly love.) Now, the love between spouses should include friendship love. Indeed, in Titus 2:4, Paul commands the older women to sober the minds of the younger women so that they might "phileo" their husbands, so that they might love their husbands as friends. Sharing interests, having deep discussions, simply enjoying being in each other's company -- all these are vital parts of a good marriage. Certainly the command in Deuteronomy for the man to give happiness to his wife includes being her friend and growing in their enjoyment of each other, as well as sharing sexual intimacy.

So love in marriage is not conditional, nor is it obsequious; love in marriage is not solely erotic, nor solely friendship. What is the positive teaching about love? When Paul writes, "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church" he uses the word "agape." Agape love is a love that gives, a love that has the other's interest at heart. This is exemplified by its use in the most famous verse in the Bible:

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son (John 3:16) This is the same word for love: agape. Agape love gives, agape love has the interest of the other at heart, agape love yields its own rights in order to show love to the other. Think of Jesus yielding his rights, as detailed for us in Philippians 2:2 make my joy complete by being of the same mind, maintaining the same love (agape), united in spirit, intent on one purpose. . . . 4 do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. 5 Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, 6 who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, 7 but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men. 8 And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. (NASB) Jesus loved and gave, not because of anything inherently good in us, not because we were attractive or shared some interest with him, but simply because he loved us. So he humbled himself, he gave up all his glory to serve us. Just so, we husbands are to love our wives: Giving ourselves, dying to self, serving our wives.

Question: We know that husbands are to love their wives; should wives show agape love to their husbands? Surely this is so. So why doesn't Paul command wives to love their husbands rather than emphasizing their submission and respect? I believe Paul here is commanding each marriage partner to do what is hardest for him or her. Husbands are most tempted to dominate their wives, and thus are commanded to love sacrificially; wives are most tempted to look down on their husbands, so are commanded to submit and respect. So in marriage there is a place for erotic love, and a place for friendship love. But the greatest of all loves is agape love, a love that gives, a love that does not demand or hold onto rights, but has the good of the other at heart.

The Perfection of Each Other in Christian Marriage

As Christ perfects the church, the husband perfects the wife and, the wife perfects the husband. This, indeed, is the purpose of the husband's headship. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her; that He might sanctify her. Christ loved the church for a purpose: to sanctify her, to put her to her proper use, to allow her to fulfill her potential.

What is the parallel with husbands and wives? How does the husband perfect the wife?

First, note that nowhere does the Bible say that the husband is the spiritual head of the wife. No, Christ is the spiritual head of the wife and Christ is the spiritual head of the husband. All of us are the bride of Christ; he is our husband spiritually, our head. Christ will perfect us spiritually through his love.

But the husband is the head of the wife as a human, as man and woman. We perfect each other in our maleness and femaleness through the marriage relationship. Through marriage, we become the men and women that God intends us to be.

Why does God make man the head of the woman? In 1 Corinthians 11, Paul says that the reason goes back to creation. If we consider Genesis 2 and 3, we find that man's purpose in creation is to bring order, to serve the creation. His purpose is directed at the world around him, at things. He is functional in orientation. Woman, on the other hand, was created from man, and was created to complete the man, to be his helpmeet or ally. Her focus, then, is relational. Together they balance each other, and perfect each other as they allow each to become what God intends.

So how does this perfection come about? Consider some of the wrong ways to perfect our spouses. We will not perfect our spouses by:

Having a critical attitude towards them.
Being silent about their faults.
Comparing them to others.
Nagging them
Manipulating them, bribing them with affection or other favors.
If these methods don't work, how are we supposed to perfect our husbands and wives? Fundamentally, the wife perfects the husband by respecting him, and the husband perfects the wife by loving her (verse 33).

(1) A wife perfects her husband by making him know that she respects him.

A man is freed to love his wife when he knows that she respects him. Without that confidence, truly giving of oneself sacrificially is incredibly frightening, as one is open and laid bare before her. So it is easier to love your wife if you have confidence in her respect. Indeed, the best way to get your husband to love you is to ensure that he knows you respect him. That is why Peter writes: In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives (1 Peter 3:1). The reverse holds too; the best way to get your wife to respect you is to love her sacrificially.

(2) A wife perfects her husband by making HIM her head.

It is very tempting to set up some other man as your head: Your pastor, a Christian teacher, or an author from whom you have learned much. God chose your husband especially for you. You can learn from others, but always remember that your husband is your head, not any other man.

(3) A wife perfects her husband by communicating with him.

Submission does not mean silence, it does not mean simply agreeing without discussing. Consider again the relationship between Christ and the church. The church is to submit completely to Christ. But God wants us to tell him everything! Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. (Philippians 4:6) Pray without ceasing. (1 Thessalonians 5:17) This communication needs to be respectful, and, as with the Lord, in final decisions we must yield our own will. But communication concerning your thoughts, your desires, your dreams is one way to perfect your husband.

(4) A wife perfects her husband by discerning his desires.

Some men find it hard to talk about their inner selves. Wives serve us greatly when they are able to study us and learn about us, so that they understand our goals and our desires. Then we know that they are truly our allies, our helpers in accomplishing those goals.

(5) A wife perfects her husband by having complete confidence that the Lord is in control.

In setting up the man's headship, God is promising to the wife that he will work for her good through her husband. Even if the husband errs, making a bad decision, the wife's submission honors God, and He will redeem that bad decision. This is walking by faith and not by sight -- the very essence of the Christian life.

Turn attention to the husbands. We noted the words used of Christ and the church: love her, cleanse her, nourish her, care for her. How do these translate into practical lessons?

(1) The husband perfects his wife by giving her time.

Husbands must take care not to let work, recreation, or ministry opportunities crowd out time with wives. You cannot love your wife sacrificially without spending time with her.

(2) The husband perfects his wife by speaking to her.

Christ communicates to the church through his word, and we must communicate to our wives by using words! Husbands, how many times in the evenings do you answer your wife's questions with grunts? Noting this tendency in many men toward silence and grunts, says, "Make yourself talk." This can include speaking about seemingly trivial matters as well as sharing with her your hopes and dreams. Talk!

(3) The husband perfects his wife by listening to her.

Listen when she speaks to you even about unimportant issues. Seek out your wife's opinion on important matters. Now, her submission and respect free you to do this. Many men do not seek out their wives' opinions because they want to avoid fights and disagreements. If, in the past, differences of opinion on important matters have led to fights, the man has every incentive to make those decisions on his own without discussion. When the man knows that his wife respects him, when he knows that even if she disagrees in the end she will accept his decision, he is much freer to seek her advice and listen to it. This is the beauty of God's plan for headship and submission.

(4) The husband perfects his wife by cleansing her, nourishing her, and caring for her.

Husbands can lovingly communicate with wives about their desires to change themselves, and help them to do so. We can pray about her needs, and be creative in finding ways to please her and build her up. We can protect her, knowing her failings, her weaknesses, and taking care that she avoid situations that will cause her to stumble as a result of those weaknesses. We can avoid condemning her, or irritating her, or getting annoyed with her when she does stumble, but instead we can forgive her and seek to build her up. When we marry, we marry a whole person -- beauty and ugliness, successes and failures. Wives need to know that we love them unconditionally, and that we are here not to berate and condemn, but to help them to become what God intends them to be.

This is a picture of the ideal Christian marriage: Unity, Love, Headship/Submission, and Perfection. Consider now three results of our living out a true Christian marriage.

First, the husband shows his inner character by what his wife becomes. Just as Christ's character is displayed in the glory of the church, so a husband's character is displayed through the person his wife becomes. Remember verse 27 of our passage? Jesus sanctifies and cleanses the church so that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she should be holy and blameless. He presents to himself the church. A loving husband will be able to present to himself his wife in all her glory, set apart for him, perfect in her womanhood. After many years of marriage, she will be a woman at peace, a women who responds lovingly to him in every way. And it will be apparent to all that this man is a man of love.

Second, a Christian marriage testifies to the truth and power of the gospel. Jesus says, "By this shall all men know that you are my disciples, if you . . ." what? If you have love one for another. This is true of all Christians, but it is especially true of marriage. The truth of the gospel is manifested when those outside the church:

See the tenderness a husband and wife have for each other after decades of marriage,
See the mutual regard husband and wife have for each other,
See an example of godly headship and submission,
See the true, essential unity of Christian marriage.
Living out a Christian marriage is a tremendous witness, a tremendous testimony to the power of God, particularly in today's culture. Martyn Lloyd-Jones put it this way: "There is no greater recommendation to the truth and power of the Christian faith than a Christian husband and wife, a Christian marriage, a Christian home."

Third, a Christian marriage grows over time.

For many marriages, the honeymoon is the apex. Everything is downhill after that. But a truly Christian marriage will grow and grow as each partner perfects the other. We need to ask ourselves continually:

How can I come closer to loving my wife as Christ loved church?
How can I show respect to and honor my husband, as the church does to Christ?
How can I build up my wife, or my husband?

By the power of the Spirit." Because if you are like me, you husbands are thinking that you cannot possibly love your wife like Christ loved the church. And you women are thinking that you cannot possibly submit to your husbands in everything. I assure you, all of us struggle with this. Jesus tells us to be perfect as he is perfect. And not one of us is perfect. But God has promised that his people will become perfect -- he will change us and mold us into Christlikeness.

Satan will try to say one of two things:

"You're doing well enough in your marriage, at least better than most others; don't be fanatical about this -- you don't need to change anything." Don't be satisfied with a marriage that is less than perfect. Examine yourself. If you are failing to live up to these ideals, confess this to God, and ask him to change you.

Or Satan might say, "It's no use. If you could start over, maybe you could make this marriage work. But given your spouse, given all that has happened in your marriage, there is no hope."

This is a pack of lies. Now, by yourself you cannot change the habits of relating to each other you have created. "Apart from me you can do nothing." If you try to change depending on your own natural resources, you will fail. But, remember! Ephesians:

You ARE raised with Christ, you are seated with him in the heavenlies!
You ARE LIGHT; You CAN walk as children of Light!
You can be FILLED WITH SPIRIT!
All this is true. By conscious, continual dependence on the Spirit within you, you can live out the ideal Christian marriage.

Let us learn to walk by the Spirit in our marriages, imitating the relationship between Christ and the church.

Husbands, love your wives.

Wives, respect and submit to your husbands.

Lord, as we think of your giving up your rights and privileges to come to be born the apparent illegitimate son of a poor woman; as we think of you submitting to being tortured, beaten, spit upon, and nailed to the cross to die for our sakes; Lord, as we think of the great gift you have given us of an indwelling Spirit; may we determine to seek forgiveness for our failure to live up to your ideals of Christian marriage, and so to depend on your Spirit within us that we might show your love to our spouses, that we as husbands might love our wives sacrificially, and that we as wives might respect and submit to our husbands. And may our marriages be to your glory. In Jesus' name, Amen.

As Christians, we know that applying biblical principles to marriage will give us a stronger foundation than those of our unbelieving friends and neighbors. We know this, but what are we doing about it? In other words, what makes a marriage "Christian"?

Viewing Marriage Realistically
"We have to stop asking of marriage what God never designed it to give — perfect happiness, conflict-free living, and idolatrous obsession,"

We can appreciate what God designed marriage to provide: partnership, spiritual intimacy and the ability to pursue God — together. So, what do you think is the most common misconception Christians have about marriage?

"Finding a 'soul mate' — someone who will complete us,"."The problem with looking to another human to complete us is that, spiritually speaking, it's idolatry. We are to find our fulfillment and purpose in God . . . and if we expect our spouse to be 'God' to us, he or she will fail every day. No person can live up to such expectations."

Everyone has bad days, yells at his or her spouse, or is downright selfish. Despite these imperfections, God created the husband and wife to steer each other in His direction.

An example: "When my wife forgives me . . . and accepts me, I learn to receive God's forgiveness and acceptance as well. In that moment, she is modeling God to me, revealing God's mercy to me, and helping me to see with my own eyes a very real spiritual reality."

While it's easy to see why God designed an other-centered union for a me-centered world, living that way is a challenge. So when bills pile up, communication breaks down and you're just plain irritated with your husband or wife, we offer these reminders to help ease the tension:

God created marriage as a loyal partnership between one man and one woman.
Marriage is the firmest foundation for building a family.
God designed sexual expression to help married couples build intimacy.
Marriage mirrors God's covenant relationship with His people.
We see this last parallel throughout the Bible. For instance, Jesus refers to Himself as the "bridegroom" and to the kingdom of heaven as a "wedding banquet."

These points demonstrate that God's purposes for marriage extend far beyond personal happiness. God isn't against happiness per se, but that marriage promotes even higher values.

"God did not create marriage just to give us a pleasant means of repopulating the world and providing a steady societal institution to raise children. He planted marriage among humans as yet another signpost pointing to His own eternal, spiritual existence."

Serving Our Spouse
He spends the entire evening at the office — again. She spends money without entering it in the checkbook. He goes golfing instead of spending time with the kids. From irritating habits to weighty issues that seem impossible to resolve, loving one's spouse through the tough times isn't easy. But the same struggles that drive us apart also shed light on what we value in marriage.

"If happiness is our primary goal, we'll get a divorce as soon as happiness seems to wane," Thomas says. "If receiving love is our primary goal, we'll dump our spouse as soon as they seem to be less attentive. But if we marry for the glory of God, to model His love and commitment to our children, and to reveal His witness to the world, divorce makes no sense."

Couples who've survived a potentially marriage-ending situation, such as infidelity or a life-threatening disease, may continue to battle years of built-up resentment, anger or bitterness. So, what are some ways to strengthen a floundering relationship — or even encourage a healthy one? Thomas offers these practical tips:

Focus on your spouse's strengths rather than their weaknesses.
Encourage rather than criticize.
Pray for your spouse instead of gossiping about them.
Learn and live what Christ teaches about relating to and loving others.
Young couples in particular can benefit from this advice. After all, many newlyweds aren't adequately prepared to make the transition from seeing one another several times a week to suddenly sharing everything. Odds are, annoying habits and less-than-appealing behaviors will surface. Yet as Christians, we are called to respect everyone — including our spouse.

"We need to learn how to 'fall forward.' That is, when we are frustrated or angry, instead of pulling back, we must still pursue our partner under God's mercy and grace."

Lastly, pray this helpful prayer: Lord, how can I love my spouse today like (s)he's never been loved and never will be loved?

"I can't tell you how many times God has given very practical advice — from taking over some driving trips to doing a few loads of laundry," "It's one prayer that gets answered just about every time."

With a Christ-centered relationship, an other-centered attitude and an unwavering commitment to making it work, your marriage can flourish — just as God designed.

Marriage is not just coming together of two individuals. There is much more to it. To sustain a marriage it is important that there is effort from both sides than only a marriage can carry on. A successful marriage is like a good recipe whose main ingredients are love, commitment, understanding, concern and togetherness. If you can include these aspects in your married life you can find happiness in your marriage. There's a saying, "A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." Which is so true. When you talk about mental compatibility between husband and wife you have seen that not only incase of arrange marriage this problem exist where both of them were unknown to each other before marriage but even after many years of courtship in love marriages this problem exist because when they meet before marriage they are at their best to impress the other person. And starts accepting each other the way they like to see each other. But gradually after marriage when you slip into your natural self that time you have to accept each other as you are. And in most of the cases the real self is not what you wanted to see and then begins the contradiction with the person whom you have loved and with whom you have to spend your life. So it's important that when you love a person love him or her the way he or she is and not the way you want him or her to be. Than only you can be happy.

A happy married life calls for constant commitment and concern for each other. There are few small and minute aspects, which you tend to forget in your married life, as you get busy with the daily chores. So at times it is important to indulge in those minute details of a married life, which will constantly remind each other of the love and concern being present.